Live the teachings yourself

A senior monk recently told me of an occasion when he was abused online over a certain teaching that he had given. His tone of voice as he told me the story was even and natural. It was immediately clear that his reason for telling me was not to defend himself or let off steam. He simply considered that the whole matter was instructional. Any impact on him or his reputation was incidental. What he wanted to impress upon me were the consequences of shoddy scholarship.

I have often felt that it is in seeing teachers embody the Dhamma that i have learnt the most in my life, more even than listening to their discourses. Criticism, especially unfair criticism, is hard to deal with. It is a blessing to be in the presence of one whose mind is such that harsh words aimed at them dissolve in the void, as if they were daubed in thin air.

People often ask me how to inspire their parents or children in Buddhadhamma. My advice is to first seek to live the teachings yourself. In words attributed to Anton Chekhov: "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass"

Ajahn Jayasāro

Saṁyutta Nikāya
SN 7.14 Mahāsāla Sutta:
Father

At the city of Sāvatthī…

Then a certain father of the brahmin caste wearing a dirty shabby outfit, went up to the Buddha, and exchanged greetings with him. When the greetings and polite conversation were over, he sat down to one side. The Buddha asked him, “Dear father, why are you wearing a dirty shabby outfit?”

“Master Gotama, I have four sons. At their wives’ order my sons chased me out from my house.”

“Well then, father, memorize these verses that I am going to teach you now and recite them when your sons are all seated in the assembly hall with a large crowd.”

The Buddha:

“I was overjoyed when my sons were born,
and wished for them the very best.
But at their wives’ order they chased me out,
as dogs chase out a pig.

“These nasty sons are mean,
though they called me dear dad.
They’re cruel demons in the shape of sons,
throwing me out as I’ve grown old.

“Like an old, useless horse,
led away from its fodder,
the elderly father of those fools,
begs for food at others’ homes.

“Even my walking stick is better,
than those disobedient sons,
because this stick drives off a wild bull,
and even a wild dog.

“It goes before me in the dark,
on uneven grounds it supports me.
By the wonderful power of this stick,
when I stumble, I stand firm again.”

Having memorized those verses taught by the Buddha, the father recited them when his sons were all seated in the assembly hall with a large crowd.

“I was overjoyed when my sons were born,
and wished for them the very best.
But at their wives’ order they chased me out,
as dogs chase out a pig.

“Like an old, useless horse,
led away from its fodder,
the elderly father of those fools,
begs for food at others’ homes.

“Even my walking stick is better,
than those disobedient sons,
because this stick drives off a wild bull,
and even a wild dog.

“These ungrateful sons are mean,
though they called me dear dad.
They’re cruel demons in the shape of sons,
throwing me out as I’ve grown old.”

Then those sons brought him back home, bathed him, and gave him two new cloths.

Then the father, taking one of the cloths, went to the Buddha and exchanged greetings with him. When the greetings and polite conversation were over, he sat down to one side and said to the Buddha, “Master Gotama, as you know I am from the brahmin caste and according to our tradition we offer gifts to our teachers. Master Gotama is also one of my teachers now. May Master Gotama please accept my gift!”

So the Buddha accepted the cloth out of compassion. Then the father said to the Buddha, “Excellent, Master Gotama! Excellent! Just as if someone turned upright, what was upside down, revealed what was hidden, pointed out the path to whoever was lost, or lit a lamp in the dark so people with good eyes could see what’s there, Master Gotama taught me the Dhamma, which is clear in many ways. I go for refuge to Master Gotama, to the Dhamma, and to the Saṅgha. From this day forth, may Master Gotama remember me as a lay follower who has gone for refuge to the Triple Gem for as long as I live.”

https://suttafriends.org/sutta/sn7-14/

"But how do you define a mendicant who is a perfected one, with defilements ended, who has completed the spiritual journey, done what had to be done, laid down the burden, achieved their own true goal, utterly ended the fetters of rebirth, & is rightly freed through enlightenment?”

“It’s when one of my disciples truly sees any kind of form at all—past, future, or present; internal or external; coarse or fine; inferior or superior; far or near: all form—with right understanding: ‘This is not mine, I am not this, this is not my self.’ And having seen this with right understanding they’re freed by not grasping.

They truly see any kind of feeling … perception … choices … consciousness at all—past, future, or present; internal or external; coarse or fine; inferior or superior; far or near: all consciousness—with right understanding: ‘This is not mine, I am not this, this is not my self.’

& having seen this with right understanding they’re freed by non-grasping.

That’s how to define a mendicant who is a perfected one, with defilements ended, who has completed the spiritual journey, done what had to be done, laid down the burden, achieved their own true goal, utterly ended the fetters of rebirth, & is rightly freed through enlightenment."

—Culasaccaka Sutta

True Victory Is Subduing Your Desires
We tend to forget that fact in our modern world. For most of us, victory is winning out over other people. But who’s winning? All too often, our greed is winning, our anger is winning, our lust is winning. We like to portray that to ourselves as a victory, but actually we’ve lost. In Thailand, it’s a long engrained cultural tradition that when you give in to your anger and let your anger out, you’ve lost it—both in the sense of having lost control and also in the sense of having lost the situation. It’d be good for us to develop that attitude around anger and all of our other defilements as well.

There are passages where the Buddha describes monks who win out over lust, comparing them to soldiers who are brave and victorious in battle. The ones who give in to lust are the cowards—which, of course, goes against a lot of what our society teaches us about being macho, about gaining the object of your lust and gaining the object of your desire, beating out other people, as somehow a kind of a victory. That’s why the Buddha had to make the point very clear that when you win out over your lust, you’re a brave soldier and not just a weakling who couldn’t make it with somebody.

In other words, with lust, desire, and anger: Don’t think that by following through with them or that gaining what the lust or anger desires is a victory. You’ve lost.

- Phra Ajahn Thannisaro (Victory)