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The Onion

Favorite Pizza Topping In Every State

Americans across the country just love to cram pizza into their gaping maws. The Onion examines the most popular pizza topping in each state.

Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina https://bit.ly/3Tddo45

The Onion

Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No longer will we allow…

Mark Zuckerberg Worried Facebook Listening To Him After Being Pushed Shirt That Says ‘I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees’ https://bit.ly/3mWF1lG

The Onion

Mark Zuckerberg Worried Facebook Listening To Him After Being Pushed Shirt That Says ‘I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees’

PALO ALTO, CA—Noting the eerie feeling of being surveilled, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly expressed concern Tuesday that Facebook was listening to him after he received a targeted ad for a shirt that read “I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees.” “How could…

Browns Impressed With Jalen Carter’s Reckless Disregard For Life https://bit.ly/3Ji8MFf

The Onion

Browns Impressed With Jalen Carter’s Reckless Disregard For Life

CLEVELAND—Saying they were considering trading up on draft day in order to select the Georgia Bulldogs defensive tackle, Cleveland Browns officials told reporters Tuesday they were impressed with Jalen Carter’s reckless disregard for life. “Jalen has shown…

Man Checks Mirror Before Date To Confirm Consciousness Still Inhabiting Corporeal Form https://bit.ly/3LokGjB

The Onion

Man Checks Mirror Before Date To Confirm Consciousness Still Inhabiting Corporeal Form

ATHENS, GA—Nervously inspecting himself to ensure he was indeed made manifest in the flesh, local man Rod Sutherland, 27, checked the mirror before heading out on a date Tuesday to confirm his consciousness was still inhabiting a corporeal form. “Just so…

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The Onion

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

New Hyundai Elantra Wins J.D. Power And Associates Award For Sluttiest Car https://bit.ly/404vA2a

The Onion

New Hyundai Elantra Wins J.D. Power And Associates Award For Sluttiest Car

TROY, MI—After naming the make and model the most promiscuous in its class, consumer analytics firm J.D. Power and Associates announced Tuesday that it had chosen the Hyundai Elantra as the sluttiest car of 2023. “Based on our own research and reports from…

It Absolutely Impossible To Tell That Boring Couple On Date Falling Deeply In Love https://bit.ly/42nuyjM

The Onion

It Absolutely Impossible To Tell That Boring Couple On Date Falling Deeply Love

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

It Absolutely Impossible To Tell That Boring Couple On Date Falling Deeply Love https://bit.ly/42nuyjM

The Onion

It Absolutely Impossible To Tell That Boring Couple On Date Falling Deeply Love

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.