this was all to the piece i wrote and made 9 hours ago and the conversation i had with my therapist on thursday and got spiralling since then:

‘as i create more and more art that i like, the less people engage with it. and if i create something that receives any sort of gratification — i consider it a shit work and a failure. and i'm well aware of this contradiction’

i talked about my therapist of how how purposefully unapproachable and unwelcoming my art/design is and about the kink of being misunderstood and for endless punishing myself for being undigestible and reenacting the same scenario over and over again

'i stopped trying to be understandable and allowed myself to be undigestible'

i’m screaming at the wall. the less unapproachable and undigestible my art/design becomes, the more i feel myself (and when it gains attention and receives any sort of gratification, i feel like i’ve failed; the more understandable i become, the more threatening it’s to exist) — inherently i know i’m unlovable and undigestible and the outer world can't really engage with me on the meaningful level

and it hurts, it drives me insane

as marina abramovic puts herself in the position where no one can help her and she has to bear it all by herself over and over again, i put myself in a place where everyone can hear me but can’t understand

i scream to the wall so the one day it’ll hear me

and it feels like insanity and i’m going mad

(i watched mullholland drive, in cinema! that probably was the best decision ofthis week)

i think the real genius of david lynch in how he encorporates all weirdness/fever dreams in a (distorted) reality, or—in this case—the idea of reality (and not otherwise, i think the feverness and weirdness are inherit to him—as i as someone with simillar neurotype can assume—the genius is to translate and communicate those things). he welcomes you, he speaks your language, a little off, an idea of your language, a perfectly executed idea of a hollywood film, and slowly drives you into his world

you can't go just straignt full way into madness—that would be an arthouse for pretentious people who don’t exactly love what they’re seeing, only idea of it—you need to lure them, buy their trust, show them love and gradually welcome them to insanity which is yourself

‘cause there’ll be no black lodge without all the 27 (maybe without that half of second season that almost got series cancelled) episodes of twin peaks

there’ll be no end of evangelion without the original series (and that’s the best part)

same goes for 'i saw the tv glow', probably my most revelational experience of past years, not counting lynch right now

you need to speak their language, you need to gain their trust, and then grab and twist their intestines. — phrase i said on the worst lecture of my life in 2020 and didn’t understand at the moment of how important and real it is

or as the vadik of lot2046 said, you need to get something yours and pack it in a way to which they're used to

or as yuri gordon put it, artist is someone who draws a line, a thread to the new places they discover; not sitting there and showing they got there, but drawing a map and getting along with yoy there

or, as someone of sonic youth said—i believe between ‘confusion is sex’ and ‘blood moon rising’—we realized they were many bands doing the same loud stuff, so we tryied something else (i’m writing this sitting in my luxorious official sonic youth japanese ‘goo’ tshirt)

like, say what you want by masaaki yuasa’s ‘mind game’ sucks, it’s weirdness and artsiness exists solely for the purpose of itself, when in serial experiments lain the what seems to be sold as normality slowly and noisy crumbles and becomes weirder and has much more huge cultural impact (while mind game only goes to 'top n weirdest anime out there'; for the credit of masaaki yuasa, in all his later works he understood that perfectly and blended all beautifully together and became masaaki yuasa we all know now as an legend, exactly because of that)

there wouldn’t be punk without glam rock (there wouldn’t be even velvet underground without’sunday morning’), and there wouldn’t be death grips without industrial hiphop (both as a genre and a strong lyrical and core structural element inside—at least exmilitary—them)

blend reality, slightly merge and distort it, welcome people into your madness, make friends with them

anyway, i freaking love the movie, i realized i’m actually doing everything right, i’m not trying to decipher rationalize the movie, i just live it as dream (as one supposed to; rational mind usually strip reality of it’s magic, and especially with surrealism works)

time to make a new cover for this legend

(four years ago i dreamed to make a cassette label and publish this legend, maybe now i can at least a one tape for myself)

?????? ? ???, ? ???? ? ???? ? ?????? ?? ???? ? ??????

btlg. 7, a stolen (and distorted) portrait of an artist/designer (i'm in my chopped n screwed visual era; which is a bootleg in itself—i wanted to say—but i found out just now that that's a part of postmortem collection of screw mixtapes, wow

btlg. 7, a stolen (and distorted) portrait of an artist/designer (i'm in my chopped n screwed visual era; which is a bootleg in itself—i wanted to say—but i found out just now that that's a part of postmortem collection of screw mixtapes, wow