It was not like she was a saint and he was a villain. But he could not understand her. Maybe, she was too complicated to understand. Or maybe, he just did not try. She felt betrayed. It was as if he was there, but just on the surface. He wanted the good things of a relationship, the easy things, the sexy things. But when the hard bit came, he used to just make an excuse. He would listen to her to only reply what he wanted to reply from the very start. She kept trying and trying. But the base was not there. There was no soul-to-soul connection. It was just him hearing her words. There were so many things she said through her words, through her silence, through her pauses, through her eyes, and through her touch. But he just acted as if it was nothing. “Just her usual overthinking,” he would think. But her soul got sick of not being understood. It made her mad in her heart. She was burning in anger inside. She was so hurt that he did not care. And one day, that sadness broke her. And with that broken heart, she broke away. He still blamed her for ruining it. But she knew that there was never anything there to ruin. It was nothing, just the initial glitter of shallow love of bodies, not deep, not true.

Love is a beautiful emotion, so beautiful that you don’t need to be in love to feel love. Sometimes, you can’t put a name on it. You can’t say I love that person, but it’s something like love, a little like love, or a lot like love. You try to figure out what exactly it is. But then, you give up. You are scared to tell them. You are scared of a no. You are scared that you might end up ruining this thing. But what is that thing? Well, I can look at you and smile. I can talk to you. I can laugh with you. I can touch you in a handshake. I can say good morning. I can sip tea with you. And for me, that’s enough. That’s too much happiness for me to risk.

I have seen the ugly side of life. I have lost beautiful friendships. I have lost promising love. So forgive me if I can’t confess my feelings. I am like that now. I will pray that you will notice me. My heart will race like a train when you hold that eye contact, saying “Hmm, tell me what you wanted to say.” And then, I feel freeze in nervousness. I would try to muster up all the courage in my soul. But I would fail. I will just change the topic or just laugh it off. I will kick myself as I turn away. I will punish myself all night for not saying it, finally. I will type the long text on phone to send you. But then I will stab my feelings with backspace. And in the morning, I will wake up happy that at least you did not say no. At least, you are still there in my skies as a moon, a moon that I can’t touch. But I can at least adore you, daily, in my eyes as a dream, and on my lips as a prayer. And how beautiful is that?

Some things can be so pure that you don’t need to have them to love them. You love some people not because you want them. You love them because your heart feels nothing else but love for them. They might be out of your reach. Maybe, you can never have them. But you are still happy that they are a part of your life, in whatever small way. Yes, you still pray for that miracle one day. But you are happy even in this “nothing” relationship. Because for you, this “nothing” fills every gaping hole in your soul.

I am not the prettiest of guys. I don’t have the kindest of tongues. And I am a hard man to love. I know you feel like running away. But don’t. Please stay. If you scratch my bad boy image, you will find the sweetest and purest little kid inside, a soul so pure that you won't believe this is for real. It will take you madness to say yes to me, sheer stupidity some will say. But if you are willing to bet on this one-legged horse, then I will fly you to the moon, daily. I know these lines sound so filmy and lame. I know you have given up on love. I know you don’t believe in the men of novels anymore. But trust me once, and you will smile for a lifetime.

It's not that I come begging for love. I have been broken brutally. I have been lied to, played, used, and thrown away like dirt. And the bitterness did get deep into my veins. I come from the darkest of places. But I have drunk all my darkness and bitterness. I stand in front of you as a man who has nothing but love to offer. I will burn to my last drop to light up your world. I promise to love you like you always dreamt of. I promise that I will not leave you even at your worst, even if you push me away. I will take your tantrums. I will ignore the insults. I will absorb the blows. I will not leave you. Do you know why? Because I know how it feels when they leave you. And I will never let you feel so worthless and sad. I promise to hold your hand in your last moments, smiling like a man seeing his bride for the first time in that glorious wedding dress. I promise to love you like your first day, even on your last. I promise to become a better man, daily, so that I can deserve you, every single day.

I know these are bookish things. In a practical world, people change. And they do. I swear they do. I have seen the monsters change in hours. But that’s my curse. I stay the same. I will love you the same. I will chase you the same. I will kiss you the same. And I will pray for you the same. So please, please, will you be the woman I will fall in love with, every single day for the rest of my life? Please? Please say yes.

STOP ? COMPARING YOURSELF

I realized that when I stopped comparing myself to others, stopped checking to see if someone else's grass was greener, stop making myself feel like crap for not living up to somebody else's version of success? I could actually focus on my life!

I could stop wasting my time, focus, energy and emotional bandwidth on something outside of me because seriously it is such a waste of time, such a distraction and doesnt accomplish anything.

Instead I started investing those things into who I was becoming, where I was going, and the life I am living!
It doesnt matter what anyone else is doing, what matters is what we're doing! What are you doing?

#happyweekend
#personalgrowth
#growth
#consistency
#hardwork

WHAT DOES PAIN LOOK LIKE ??

Pain. What does pain look like? Does it look like tears raining out from your tired eyes? Or does it look like a sad face almost waiting to burst into flames? Or pain looks like a slit wrist from a blade? These are our easy answers. But the truth is that sadness looks like nothing. You can’t tell sadness. You can’t recognize sadness. Only the person going through that sadness can know. But how can others not know? Because that person will almost always hide that sadness. You will be fooled by the smile, laughter, chatter, and a “full of life” persona. You will have no clue what that smile is hiding. You will have no clue what that laughter is drowning. You will have no clue what those jokes are deflecting. You will just go along with the lie. You will just assume that the person is fine. But why do people hide sadness? Because they are broken from the inside. They have lost that trust. Even when they opened up, they were mocked, used, and betrayed. So they decided to suffer in silence and solitude.

But what if a person is himself/herself telling that I am sad? Then you are lucky to have someone who trusts you with the most intimate emotion, pain. And now it’s your responsibility to listen to that person and try to understand that person. No. Don’t start with those motivational speeches. Start by listening. And just listen. You don’t know how long that person has waited to pour it all out. You don’t know how much courage it has taken for that person to finally share this baggage. You don’t know what your simple act of listening can do for that person. Of course, you will try to help. But never forget listening. Listening is the most underrated thing, ever.

But again, almost always, people won’t let you know that they are drowning in sadness. So be kind. Almost everyone is going through one shit or another in life. You can save someone’s day with just a kind word. You can make someone heal a little with just a genuine smile. You can make someone believe in humanity with just a warm hug. Pain looks like happiness, my friend. You can never tell. But you can always be kind.

THE NIGHT SHE BACK FROM HER OFFICE AND LOCKED HERSELF IN THE ROOM

It was a rainy night, dark and thunderous. She kept looking at the clock on the bottom right of her laptop while hurrying through her work. Her parents called, as usual, asking her if she had her dinner. She told them that she got back to her PG and had dinner. She lied because they keep worrying until she reaches back to her flat safely. That’s one blessing for girls in India. They worry for themselves, but they worry more for their parents worrying for them when they travel late. She skipped her lunch as her team meeting went on and on. She was surviving on coffee and green tea, alternatively.

Finally, at 11 PM, she rushed out of her office. Holding a yellow umbrella, she waved her hand for an auto. A smiling pan-masala chewing driver gestured her to get in. She told him the address, and he moved ahead with a weird compliment “Mam, your yellow umbrella is the best.” She ignored him. But he went on “Actually, I bought the same yellow color umbrella for my daughter yesterday. She has just joined college. So I am happy that even a big mam like you have the same taste. She will become like you one day and go to the same big office.” She smiled in relief and said “I am sure she will. I will pray for her.”

There was a dark stretch on her way back home. The auto stopped. “There is some engine issue, mam,” the driver said. She suddenly saw a eunuch, Kavita approaching, draped in a bright red sari, wearing dark red lipstick, shining in the bright makeup, and clapping her hands vigorously. She held on to her office bag ever so tightly and almost screamed as Kavita got closer and closer, asking for some money. She was almost crying in fear as Kavita moved closer and closer. “What happened?” the bemused Kavita asked. “Please leave me alone. I beg you. I want to go home,” the girl sobbed as she saw her mobile go off due to low battery.

She came back home, crying up the stairs, and locked herself in the room. Kavita walked her home for 1 KM, acting as her bodyguard. She touched Kavita’s feet in sorry at her society’s gate. But she was still sobbing into the pillow in regret.

NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE YOU THE SAME WAY

We act all cool and how it does not matter to us. But deep down, we are always hopeful. We are hopeless romantics. So when we start to like someone, there is a part of us that has already accepted that this is mutual. And subconsciously, we start to expect from that person. And mind you, that person has never told us that the feeling is mutual. But we know it. “My heart knows this,” we tell ourselves. So the game begins. You think about that person, all the time. What they post online, which joke, what emotional post. You think about a million possible scenarios. Should I make that person smile? Should I send something funny? Should I say that I am there for you? You know, every day, you spend a large chunk of your time wondering what should you say to that person. You analyze the normal chat, line by line for all the hints. You notice the slightest change in their voice tone. You wonder what have you said or done. You even notice how that person replies to other people online, in comments. And you get jealous, like an idiot.

You have assumed that this person also likes you. You convince yourself that this person can’t be fake or bad. You just want this person to be a reflection of the image that you have already created in your head. You build your own heartbreak, daily. Why? Because you are stupid. You believe that little things scream a lot. But they don’t care. They fake that smile. They fake those nice words. They just play you because you can be fooled so easily. And why just blame them? You make a fool out of yourself. The world is not like you. People don’t care. They don’t feel. You are an exception, my friend. And that’s why you will keep getting hurt. I know you can’t change yourself. You have tried. And you failed. Just accept the truth sooner. Just realize that this is not mutual. Just accept that you will get nothing out of this but pain and frustration. Stand tall with respect and walk away. You deserve someone who thinks that you deserve that person. It should never be a fight to prove your worth. You are the moon amongst the stars. Value yourself.☺️

YOU KNOW WHAT I SPEAK LESS NOW ?
I was always a talker. But I noticed that I speak less now. I don’t know when it happened or why it happened. It’s not a phase of sadness. Nothing happened as such. It just happened gradually, you know. From a person who won't shut up. I became a person who would hardly talk. And the strange part is that I am fine with this change. It’s not like I don’t like this version of myself. But it’s strange, right?

Maybe, I won’t admit it. But time has quietened me down. So many things have happened in life. So many people have come and gone. So many relations have gone bad. So many tears. So many fights. So many memories. Earlier, no matter what happened, I would just speak it out. If I was hurting, I would talk to someone about why I was so upset. If something good happened, I won’t stop talking about it to everyone I came across. I would even talk about the nothingness in life or gossip about others. But slowly, I started keeping things within. It was like instead of reflecting out my thoughts like a mirror, I started to absorb them like a sponge. Maybe, I don’t want to bother anyone. Or maybe, I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t know. It’s so, so rare when I open up to someone about something and just take it all out. Mostly, it’s small talk and tell me why you called. It’s no more like two people sitting and talking their hearts out. Should I blame others? Should I blame myself?

I would rather blame myself. It’s me who has chosen this quietness over the noise. I feel better watching a series or movie. I enjoy listening to music and reading a book. I like being alone and doing nothing. I somehow have made this my comfort zone. Talking to people seems like an effort. And something really has to excite me to talk to someone. In fact, a part of me gets happy when a proposed conversation does not happen. It’s like, thank God. Is something wrong with me? I don’t know. But is there peace in this? Yes, definitely. I feel more content in my heart. There is less mess now. But will I open up to anyone again? I think I will when my soul whispers “Go! Talk! This is your human.”

IS LOVE CONDITIONAL OR UNCONDITIONAL ❤️

Love is not unconditional, it's always conditional and that's okay that's just how it works. You fall for them for a reason, it's either you attracted to their beauty, personality, hobbies, works, etc. But that one person who stays with you even though things getting difficult (and back), it's that what matters. The way you complete, protect, and support each other, you will feel that connection.
In the end that one person who stays is the one worth spent times and living your whole live with.

ONCE YOU WAIT TOO LONG FOR A RELATIONSHIP, ? YOU CANT SETTLE FOR ORDINARY LOVE ?

On paper, a lover seems pretty easy to find. Good looking, this, that, and blah blah. There will be many people fitting that criterion. But did you fall for them, any of them? No. Love does not happen with a checklist. It happens with magic. And that’s what keeps you single. You want to give magic a chance. And the longer you stay single, you convince yourself that you won’t compromise on that. You have let go of those easy chances to fall in love when your friends suggested someone. You did not because you have realized your worth. You know what you deserve. And your time alone has proved that you can stay single all fine and happy. You don’t need a lover just for the heck of it. You have survived your lowest and darkest period without a lover. So why should a relationship be your goal? This attitude makes the long-single people hard to get. They have survived that lonely phase. In fact, they have come out better and happier. Add to that all misery they have seen their friends go through in a relationship, and you have someone who needs to be absolutely sure before saying “I love you too.”

Look. You don’t owe your love to anyone. Someone can very well slit a wrist in front of you to get a yes or no, and you still don’t owe them anything. Love is not charity. You can’t fall in love for anyone else. It has to be you. It has to be your soul whispering to you that this is the one. I feel magic with this soul. And you will know when magic touches you. This idiocy of falling in love because a friend set you up, or you were getting too old, or you were feeling lonely, these are pathetic reasons to fall in love. Love will take every inch of your flesh and every stardust of your soul. Love will consume you. Love will shake you. Love will heal you. Love will grow you. So when it’s something so important, don’t settle, don’t adjust, and don’t give up on magic. You deserve that love that people say exists only in novels and poems. They say that it does not exist because they never found it. And most people don’t. Love is that rare. And that’s exactly why you are single, right?