I can never say I lowered my standards. I have never had any just show me for an instant, that I exist and that’s all I could ask for.
yet still, that was plenty.

You finish the coffee and go to lie on her bed. The bed feels soft familiar and comforting. You fall into a deep sleep. You dream of being in your own bed. You see your mother feeding you because she hates leftovers you left and tells you she made it so you can eat and she doesn't want to throw it out.She puts everything on a big platter and feeds each of you, going from room to room. You hear your brothers resisting saying they’re full. You know you’re going to be next so you pretend to be asleep but she knows you’re not. She wakes you up and tries to feed you. You resist, angry at her angry because you don’t want to eat.

At the time you felt annoyed frustrated but now you miss it. The things you never expected to become memories have turned into some of the deepest ones. You miss that feeling the way she cared the way she insisted. You wish you could wake up to it one more time.

You’re back in your grandmother’s house staring at the ceiling now you are awake The room feels so comfortable almost like home. You hear the rain outside and it sounds peaceful cozy. You glance at your phone and realize you’ve slept for three hours. You look back up at the ceiling and without realizing tears start to run down your face. You don’t move you’re still silent your eyes fixed on a spot above. Your body feels heavy and eventually your eyes close again you are asleep again.

Then you hear your name. Your grandmother is calling you. You’ve slept too long she is kinda worried asks if your sick now you have a headache for thinking too much of the things you shouldn't and she says you need to eat. Slowly you get up feeling the weight of your dreams still clinging to you and you go to her but somehow it felt good.

And in that moment you realize that maybe you don’t need to hold onto every memory so tightly. Maybe it’s okay to let them come and go, like the rain outside. Maybe it’s enough just to be here in this fleeting moment
with someone who loves you someone who knows all the parts of you that you sometimes forget. Now You close your eyes and thank God you still exist.

You wake up to the sound of an alarm you set for school but you’re too lazy to turn it off. You remember it’s Friday and you have to go to church. You think about visiting your grandmother. You get uptake a shower get dressed and grab some cash some from yours and some from your brother’s wallet. You pack your things head out and wait for a taxi. When it arrives you choose a seat trying to find a spot where you won’t be too close to anyone. But the man next to you crowds in spilling everything he has onto your side. The taxi is packed and you can’t say anything so you try to numb yourself trying to ignore the feeling of his arm pressing against your side your skin painfully aware of the closeness you are always too conscious to any touch even if it's not on purpose. you remind yourself why you hate public transport but you have no choice this is you being too much.

You look out the window trying to distract yourself and suddenly, you’re in front of the church. There are so many people. You remember the days when you and your friend used to come here.The place feels different now crowded and strange. And then in a blink you’re at your grandmother’s house. You see her smiling at you and she gives you a warm hug. You kiss her cheek. This feels like home. Maybe that’s why you hate hugs that never feel like hers.

She tells you to eat but you decide to make her coffee instead. She compliments your dress, and for a moment you feel beautiful. You pour her a cup and she drinks it slowly savoring every sip. She asks about your brothers the usual questions. You tell her they’re busy the usual lie that they don’t come home often only visit once a month. She says to tell them she misses them but you know you never will. She goes on about why they should come, then stops and sighs saying“I just hope they’re okay right where they are.”

WE Need more Gelilas.

I have to eat now.

I made the unsorted talk on a VC. I'm pretty proud, and you can tell I've been holding that in the whole time.

My friend's mom called me. I mistook her voice for yours for a second. Why do I expect so much? These unrealistic expectations will be the death of me, I can feel it.

Cringes over things I say*

19!
we growing.

And Know that you are appreciated every step of the way, and most of all, for existing.