A boy in bath with his mum asks: "What's that hairy thing?"

Mum says: "That's my sponge".

The says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."

@funandjokes

Q: What's a waste of energy?

A: Telling a hair-raising story to a bald man!

@funandjokes

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese

@funandjokes

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said:

- Don't you know who I am?
The man replied:
- Yes, sure do.

Satan asked:
- Aren't you going to run?
- Nope, sure ain't.

Perturbed, Satan asked:
- Why aren't you afraid of me?

The man calmly replied:
- Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

@funandjokes

My girlfriend wants me to look more like Danny Trejo. I want her to look less like Danny Trejo.

@funandjokes

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

@funandjokes

My friend Phillip had his lip removed today. We call him Phil now.

@funandjokes

There was a big fire at the Potato Factory. It burnt to a crisp

@funandjokes

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.

He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says:
- "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
- "Anything?" - he says, getting fairly excited.
-"Yes, anything." - she replies.

So he says,:
- "Will you hold the donkey!?"

@funandjokes

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