"What do I need to do, just to keep you here, in a room that's often so spacious, although I've already filled it with my crowded breath, suppressed tears, my hunger, sensitivity, and my worries.

Damn, I always feel like I'm losing you every day."

- JJ. Fidela Asa

No, it's not a prototype
Your smile, the scent of your breath on my fingers
After you kissed it, transferring moisture
In the air, it still feels insufficient
I need the deepest of embraces or melding
So I can feel your blood flowing within me
You belong to me.

You belong to me, right?
I'm not ready yet
I'm not prepared
For your departure.

I was wrong,
I was crazy,
You're not the final implementation,
You made my loneliness a starting point,
Towards parting.

- JJ. Fidela Asa

song.link | via

PRINCESS

You wake up from a dream
In a princess gown, blush and pristine,
Glistening, a crown upon your head.

You awaken with the same smile,
Your heart guarded by them all the while,
You're a princess within your chamber's spread.

Until one day, some voices arrive,
"Women don't need to be that strong," they strive,
They justify emotions, they justify reliance, they equate you with frailty.

There's no best container for your tears, oh princess fair.
You'll cry alone, you'll stumble, you'll despair,
And they won't know.

But they ... say you don't need to be that strong.

- JJ. Fidela Asa

This is a simple rule;
that in me waiting for you, you also need to know yourself. Being late once or twice, I don't know when it will become many times.

I don't want to alleviate a delay, you instead of a sometimes, like a rainstorm that either brings a rainbow or not.

Please be more clear.

- JJ. Fidela Asa

I'm not sure if she ever read me.

I, a writer who longs for brushes and colours at any time, am aggressive in my narrative construction, hungry and stabbing at every premise that hangs in the cavities of my throat. I need to swallow it right now—once a sip if possible—then my nuance will come out, soaring a colourful land in which a life lives. A hologram of the life I thought existed when she consented to my creation in her womb.

But as bright as the cities were, the sweet puffed cakes, the sweet parcels stuffed with garden flowers, the royal princess dresses and sparkly nail polish—all that couldn't make Mum read. They couldn't make Mum take the time to read to me.

Mum's time was across the horizon. Where there are the most complicated crossovers that I will never understand. In the remains of her life, in the remains of her breath that had not yet reached 60 years at that time; my Mum did not stop fighting, even though her body fell.

So, this is where she lives now, in my writing that I believe will never be completed. In the writing that she may never even read. In the writing that is always eternal.

- JJ. Fidela Asa

BLOODSUCKER

Your smile, baby. You come at the same time, at night. So during the day like this, I'll just miss you, waiting at the same time every day.

I know how I love and to whom. You are the best, aren't you? You came to me at night, counting the hours left since our last encounter. What are we going to do? We'll count the stars? Share our stories? Back to cuddling and sucking each other, with your eyes about to close, you savoured it all.

Not anymore. You go too deep into it, you no longer suck my burnt and wet skin, you suck even my blood.

I thought, it was almost over, until I could see your figure that made no sense. You with your fangs, you bloodsucker. You creep at night, you lie during the day. You trick me, you break me so deep.

I became a shard, baby, you ruined everything. I'm not as bad as you who made me a shard.

I'm not as bad as you.
I'm not as bad as you.

- JJ. Fidela Asa

Breathe for Myself

Do you feel something moving slowly? I recognized it clearly, even it was too late. The spread has filled more than 250 joints, impairing nearly 5.5 liters of my blood. I felt fine before, and I thought it wouldn't hurt at all. But what happened was, I had been negligent.

I have to look at the sun, fearing that the days will pass too quickly. The birds already have shiny wings, and people no longer smoke cigarettes. I don't want to stay too long.

Bathing in love may be beautiful, but you know, love is not like that. If only one party can share the heartbeat, then it's a sign that it's time for me to breathe alone. Breathe for myself.

- JJ. Fidela Asa

Hold Me Tighter

When I write too much, I'm probably not being easy on you. I can't take care of this universe alone, after God left me and merged with time and space, after all its wonders I dismissed as determinism, chance, and free will that left only natural reality. I don't hold my will in full-you were listening to me when the moon was still high in the sky, so beautiful, white, and glistening deeply-I'm saying that many of the actions we take are influenced by the biology going on in our brains. So, you can doubt my love, which makes sense.

"You're very complicated."

Haha, yeah, I'm not denying it. I'm happy to be the most complicated thing to you in this world, even in a world that's still developing. No, I don't want to trouble you or trap you in my claustrophobic yet addictive breathless labyrinth. I'm not trying to replace your oxygen entirely. But if you still insist that I know what I'm doing, then come here.

Hold me tighter, then I'll tell you.

- JJ. Fidela Asa

VANILLA

Sweet, even before I managed to taste you.

I could feel the happiness of your long acceptance. It was sweet when you looked into my eyes, and a thread was created, smooth, carrying a myriad of dopamine powders. My soul trembles with the warm sweat that passes, with this welcoming feeling you channel. It's overpowering, so you're conquering me and taking away all existence. I surrender; you are so beautiful.

That's why you're vanilla.

- JJ. Fidela Asa