"all you ever offer to others and all you ever want."

i've tried to describe
just how carefully i would carry you
and maybe i'm crazy
but some part of me had to care for you
what would it take for me to be cared for, too?

what if i give up too soon?
a racehorse with nothing to win
running just cause i'm supposed to
cause they bet too much money on it
and i've got nothing to fight with
but i'll do it cause you askеd me to
a guard dog with a death wish
in the cеnter of the ring, i lose

it's nothing like you said you wanted
nothing like you'll get and
you want love
this is as close as you're gonna get
not enough
just as much as you think you can live with

don't look
god, it's a mess
a seven-car pileup of every disastrous thing that i've been
crane your neck
the aftermath
the imprint of my body left

don't wanna stay here
but i'll crash anyway
never learned how to come down without burning up on the runway

— one coldass day

I have wished for my presence to be reduced more than I have wished to be loved. And I stay on my knees, picking out my hair, begging god to make it stop. I don't know what I'm praying for to go away, but it must be a part of me, it must be another piece I'm willing to drop just to not be heavy to carry anymore.